Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
