Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
