Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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