why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
