Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
