I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
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