I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Found your dick twin last night
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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