I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
