I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
