I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
