I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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