I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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