It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
