my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
