So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
