So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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