Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
