I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
