I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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