Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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