Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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