The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Randomize
