I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My bed smells like the plague
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