In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.