We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care