I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown