so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
