Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
