i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
