it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I would ride that face into the sunset
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
