Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
