Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
