I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
