you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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