Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
