Who did Billy Mays play for?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
