If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
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St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
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I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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