Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
