he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
