I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
