I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
