you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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