I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
