I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
