meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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