i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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