When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
