my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
