happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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