He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
