3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
