KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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