and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
