I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
