the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
