I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
