I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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