I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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