my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
