theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize
