I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
