im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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